A new phase. One I'd forgotten about. Crap.
I had this dream last night. I gave birth to my son. In my bed. But not in our house. It was some random house I've never seen before. But it WAS our bed, because the footboard has a small scratch and I remember seeing that scratch from the view between my knees.
Anyway, so I had our baby. Scott was there. It was dark outside. And Baby Durb was TINY. Like... slightly bigger than a kitten. And he was born perfectly clean and dry WITH a tiny diaper. He was pink and he smelled good. Like a post bath snuggly baby. I held him up in my hands. He was roughly the size of a big potato. And that's when I saw it. I was horrified. Crushed. This couldn't be happening!!
My baby's big toe, on his right foot, was a slinky. A flesh slinky. Bouncing away as I held him there.
Suddenly, we were in the hospital and I was begging the doctor to do something. Anything. FIX HIM!!
They couldn't. Nothing they could do. He'd be slinky-toed for life. I was distraught the way only a mother can be. I loved him anyway, of course, but was crushed by his... um... condition.
I woke up. There were other things in the dream. Random things. But they didn't matter. What mattered was what was leftover when the dream ended. The fear. The worry. The sediment that dream left in my head has a million horrible scenerios running through my mind now.
Physical deformities. Autism. Cancer. Missing limbs. Mental defects. Malfunctioning internal organs. Cerebal palsy. Cleft lip. Heart defects. Diabetes. Deafness. Blindness.
A zillion things that could seriously impact the quality of life my child has. I worry like hell about Trenton. Why has it not crossed my mind I'd worry about this one, too?! I need to see him. I need to know, for sure, that he's ok. Because a squiggly black and white sonogram can only tell me so much. I need to hear him breathing. I need to know he can see. I need the doctors to prick his heel and tell me he's going to be fine. For the love of GOD, I need to see his toes...
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