It hurts. It meaning everything. Everything hurts.

Kindergarten started today for Trenton.

You know, I thought I was going to make it. I actually thought I was going to be alright. All morning I kept thinking, this is ok. I'm not going to shed a single tear. And I believed it. I fooled myself. I am mean to me sometimes.

We all got up, showered/bathed and got dressed. Trenton ate his beloved breakfast of applejacks and Scott made his sandwich for lunch while I finished getting ready... cause I was just gonna cruise right in to work after dropping him off. Riiiiight.

Off we went. Spiderman backpack filled to the brim with brand new school supplies and spiderman lunchbox packed with a mommy-made lunch (except for the boring sandwich part. ::wink::) and napkin with a note proclaiming my love on it. We walked in, forked over our drivers licenses for admitance, the walked big man to his room. I'm feeling good. Little T is excited. I am excited for him. Scott is barely awake, I think. :)

We walk in and find the locker with his name written on a brightly colored fish and store his backpack. His lunch was set on the shelf, along with everyone else's lovingly made lunches and he found his seat. He sat. And I stood. Um, ok then. I should go. Why won't my legs work? Start time was nearing. I was feeling panic. Who will help him with his juice box straw at lunch?! What if the other kids are mean to him?! What if his shoes come untied and he trips, falls, and breaks his arm and no one can get in touch with me because of some sort of office paperwork disaster where my written phone numbers have gotten wet and are unreadable?!?!?!? WHAT THEN?!

Scott then called to Trenton, who's already made himself at home in his designated spot next to his new friends and is chattering away. "Can you give Mommy a hug?" Scott, I think, is sometimes very good at recognizing the anxiousness I get overwhelmed with occasionally. I don't know if that was the case here or if he was just ready to go, lol. Trenton bounced over and gave me a hug. "I love you, Trenton." I think his reply was, "OK, bye." And he bounced away. Scott got nothing, lol. And I stood. I don't actually know if Scott took my arm or if I willingly turned away. All I know is I felt heat in my face. And my lip started quivering. Then quaking. And Scott looked at me. And I lost all composure. Thankfully, we'd left the classroom before I started full on crying. Sadly, a million other parents/students/teachers were in the hallway and there was no hiding my tomato-faced tears. Scott put his arm around me and I demanded he stop looking at me and I tucked my head and simply tried to survive the walk to the front doors. How wonderful, I found myself thinking, that kindergarten is in the back of the school and I have to parade through all these other grades and people who think I am a maladjusted parent who can't let her child grow up. SOMEONE did that on purpose. Evil genius.

In a perfect world, I could have made a quick escape. I'd have run out the door and hid away from the world. But nooooooo. We don't live in a perfect world. Yeah, surprised me, too. I had to get my afore surrendered license back. A MASS of people clumped the entrace where 2 teachers were screaming names of state licenses. Scott ran up and grabbed ours while I hid in the back. Eventually, we made it out. Alive and everything. But, we'd had to park a gazillion miles from the school. I exaggerate. So what? Anyhoo, so we walk. And I am somewhat masked by the sea of people around me. Hurray. But my back had been hurting massively all morning (and for 3 months now) and, suddenly and without warning, something popped and/or broke in my back and my legs literally stopped working. On top of the fact that I couldn't see through my tears. So I fell. I could feel myself falling. I could feel tingling in my legs, but there was no saving me. I could not physically right myself. Down I went. I tore a hole in the knee of my pants. And pain (think a slow, slicing) slid up my back. Not to mention my complete mortification. Thank goodness at least 50 people were there to see my tumble. Including some sweet, caring skinny cheerleaders who asked if I were ok. :/ I am pregnant and you are skinny. Shutup! Thank you for not being able to keep from verbally acknowledging my embarrassment. What happened?! Am I in high school all over again!! Dear Lord, why?

We went home. And I got back into bed. My husband crawled in next to me. And I cried. Because my back hurt. And my teeny baby is in big boy school. And because I can't stop time. And I could think of nothing better to do. We lay there. And he told me I am a good mom. And I let every memory I have of that little boy growing up flood my head. And I cried and snotted all over the place uncontrollably.

Eventually, I got up. I changed clothes, because there was a hole in the knee of my brand new maternity pants, and tried to get ready for work. I fixed my hair. Kinda. I fixed my face. Sorta. It still looks like I haven't slept EVER and my eyes feel like there's dirt under my eyelids.

Scott's already called up here to check on me, lol. Poor him. I am alot to deal with sometimes. An emotional disaster, as of late. My heart hurts. And my back hurts, bad. And in my angst, I didn't take as many pictures this morning as I'd planned. I snapped some with my camera and some with my phone because, you know, what if I drop my phone in the toilet and those pics are gone or what if my purse catches fire (I don't keep my phone in my purse because if someone steal my purse, I'll need to call the cops...) and my camera is destroyed, I'd need the pics off my phone....

Yes, I realize I have issues.

::Sigh::

I am so over this day already. But he looks so handsome as he breaks my heart...