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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Layla Grace

Hug your kids.

http://laylagrace.org/

This is an excert from one of the archieved posts on her blog:

"Towards the end of a pregnancy, a mother will wake up to go to the bathroom every few hours. I think this is the body’s way of preparing you for a newborn and the sleepless nights that come along with it. Layla now spends most of her days sleeping. 30-45 minutes after she wakes up, she is ready to lay down and sleep again. Is this God’s way of preparing me for all the quiet time that is coming soon? The house is quiet. I am able to go through the motions of laundry, dishes, cooking and picking up without interruptions. But I WANT interruptions. I WANT Layla to be under my feet asking for cookies. I WANT to hear her playing with her toys. I WANT to take 45 minutes to unload the dishwasher because she keeps trying to help. For every time I uttered the words “I just can’t get anything done with these kids under my feet all day” I am eternally regretful. The days that I looked forward to naptime so I could get a grocery list made, or finally fold all the piles of laundry…I regret those days too. If I could do it all again, I’d enjoy EVERY SINGLE WAKING MOMENT I had with her. I would never wish for her to sit still or take a nap or go to bed early. I would never look forward to the days when she could sit through an entire episode of Dora silently. I would treasure every second with her."

::Gulp::  How many times have I done that?  Been impatiently waiting for naptime or thrown in the Yo Gabba Gabba DVD and snuck out of the room.  More times than I can count.  With both kids.  I've gone insane wanting "me" time.  And now my heart aches because of it.  How selfish and stupid of me.  To have the gift of happy, healthy children and to wish for them to be otherwise occupied so I can feel like I've gotten something done.  I make myself sick.  Does it takes something this terrible, this heartbreaking, to make me just spend time with my kids without worrying about the stuff that, in the end, doesn't matter?  So it seems.  I disappoint me.

I can't even begin to imagine the position this family is in.  How would I handle that?  To be waiting for your child to die.  To have to say goodbye to your baby.  To not know how many hours you have left with them.  I wouldn't handle it.  This family truly astounds me with the strength they have, because I couldn't.  I would cease existing.  I'd just... stop being.

Anyway, I was just struck by the finality of it all.  The seemingly wrongness of it all.  And I'm stilted by the fact that I can't do anything.  I can pray.  But that's my limit.  If I could give blood or donate... something or participate in a fundraiser, I'd feel like I was helping.  But none of that helps here.  And that just makes it sadder.

Anyway, kiss your babies.  Hug them just a little tighter tonight.     


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4 comments:

Carol said...

My heart is so very broken right now. If I could do it all over again it would be so very different...
But, we do the best that we can do.

Juls said...

I almost threw up when I read this. Ugh. It is the ONE thing I try and remind myself daily - even at 2am when it's my 4th time up with T... that I am going to miss this... that I can't take one second for granted. When I do, I am ashamed for many reasons but this reminds me WHY. Thanks for posting this... it's a sad but important reminder to not take a single second for granted...EVER!!!

Anonymous said...

Such a very sad situation. Sometimes we just need to be reminded that we are so lucky and so blessed...
I will keep the family in my prayers. Margie

Angie said...

Kristin, Thanks for posting this website. So often we take for granted our healthy and rambunctious kiddos. This brings us back to reality and to our knees thanking God for what we have. BTW...loved your video and pictures of Carter! Such a little cutie. And let's not forget Trenton...another little handsome guy you've got there. Have a wonderful Thursday!

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