Thursday, August 25, 2011
A is for Alphabet Assurance
My friend, Gibs, said to me very randomly last night (while I was trying to extract an itchy, pokey clip from my hair), "You look really pretty right now."
Random! And AWESOME! And it made me think about the last time someone complimented me. It was remarkably sad what my brain came up with. Other than the semi-sincere greetings from freinds ("Hhiiii! You look great!) and people I haven't seen in awhile, nothing. Certainly not my husband pouring kind words of assurance over me. It has literally been almost a year since he's complimented me (yes, I remember exactly when it was, lol). And that's fine. At least I know he isn't lying to me. I'll be honest, it hurt my feelings for a long time, but I've decided it doesn't matter. When you bring something like that to someone's attention and they STILL don't make an attempt to reach out, what can you do? Nothing. If he was thinking it, he'd say it. Especially after me bringing it up. But he doesn't. Has it had an effect on our relationship? Yes. I don't feel close to him or attached to him in any way. But if having a distant roommate situation is what he wants, and it looks like it is, then I'm on board with that now. And it's ok. It's not what I wanted for myself. But it is what it is and you can't change people. And you can only plead with someone to act like they love you for so long. Eventually you'll break yourself doing that. And I refuse. I can adapt. I am adapting. And I don't need anyone else to lift me up.
But anyway, it made me think about where my personal reassurances need to come from. While the unexpected flattery from Gibs made my heart soar, I certainly can't rely on her to feed me compliments constantly, lol. That's get weird, I think. :)
So, since no one else is readily stepping up and, in fact, the language of the now (between friends and mates) is sarcasm, it's gotta come from me, I guess.
That was a long-winded way of proclaiming my alphabet blog series about me. Just for me. Probably ridiculously boring to you. But I don't think this is read by many people regularly anyway, so I don't feel bad, lol. And letters are cool. They sponsor Sesame Street shows and give me an origin of thought for my bliggity blogs.
Awesome. I am pretty awesome in lots of ways. Not every way. I certainly have faults. But those are pointed out to me frequently enough, so let's focus on awesome.
I'm a good friend. I try to be. I'd do almost anything for the people I care about. And those people show me the same respect and maybe the same willingness.
I'm a master of nothing, but I'm decent at several things. I used to be athletic. Maybe I could be again. But that's low on my priority list. My family comes before the other stupid distractions other people place in front of their kids. Like soccer, for one.
I can paint. I certainly prefer the poetic mush of abtract painting and the interpretation of the finished product, but have painted a couple of landscapes that I like. I'm going to attempt to hone this into a skill.
I can take a pretty good picture. Given the right tools, I could make that my trade EASILY, but I'm eternally poor, so that isn't in the cards, lol. But I certainly enjoy snapping away pictures of my kids in all their candid glory. I was just thinking yesterday I need to take a day off work in October and spend the day at the arboretum with the boys letting them play among the pumpkins while I fill up a memory card with snapshots.
Appearence-wise, I don't think I'm hideous. I've never been in danger of being "discovered" and losing my privacy to fame in the form of being a supermodel, but small children rarely cry at the sight of me and it's been awhile since an angry crowd of villagers chased me out of town with torches and pitchforks. But I'm ok with average. And I'm ok with chunky. I was super skinny my whole life. I have 2 kids and a husband who doesn't glance my direction regardless of how skinny I am. So why shouldn't I enjoy my life without the hassel of dieting constantly?! ::Shrug:: I still sometimes WANT the salad or grilled chicken. But it's much easier to order or make that knowing it's what I want and not what I feel like I have to have. :)
I am low maintence. Apparently, I spend a lot of money (which I'm attempting to control). But it isn't on me. I don't buy lots of shoes or clothes. I don't get my nails done or my hair done. Ever couple of months I get a trim at my favorite salon, but that's it. I color my own hair... when I color it at all. I've pretty much embraced my gray hair at this point. It's silver and shiny! :)
My most awesome awesomeness is my mommyiness. I am a good mom. I would do anything for those little boys. I love, love, love doing things for and with them. I want to do things as a family and go on fun adventures so that they love and appreciate their families one day, too.
I am a good person. I can be an angry person, but I am trying to release the resentment I have and just focus on being a good me. A better me. An independent and self-reliant me. I don't want to wake up one day and realize I spent so much time crying and being hurt by something I was waiting on other people to deliver. Should cancer eat my face off or a meteor fall on my car while I'm driving home, I want to have been the greatest Kristin I could have been. Regardless of who may or may not have noticed.
So I will reaffirm myself, in a nonSNL way, and do the things I think will make me happy. And thus, I will be awesome. Awesomer. Awesomest.
Rambled by KRiSTiN at 12:43 PM